


Leave Me Blurry and Fall Toward Me

by Warisnotwonbyvictory



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Mentions of War, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:24:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warisnotwonbyvictory/pseuds/Warisnotwonbyvictory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Up and coming R&B singer Zayn Malik reluctantly finds comfort in his new bodyguard Harry Styles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave Me Blurry and Fall Toward Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wordcraze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordcraze/gifts).



> (Title from: Snow and Dirty Rain by Richard Siken)  
> Thanks to beta 3bookworm33 for the help!

Zayn Malik pulled his hoodie up over his head and ducked as quickly as he could into the massive steel and glass building which housed his manager’s office.

Zayn tried to breathe deeply once he was alone in the elevator, willing himself to calm down. His skin was prickly and he felt hot all over. The rush of adrenaline from avoiding the paps calling his name, not only outside this building, but his own front yard, had left him shaken.

“You’re late,” Louis Tomlinson said by way of greeting, before depositing Zayn’s cup of black coffee in front of him, “and I know why you’re late, but I want to hear you say it, to prove my point.”

Zayn slunk further into his chair, swiveled it from side to side slightly, and stared coolly at Louis.

Louis sighed and slipped into the seat at the glass table across from Zayn, “They’re not going to just go away Zayn. I warned you this would happen, especially with her in the picture, a big star like that.”

Zayn focused on his coffee cup, turned it around in his fingers a few times.

“For fuck’s sake Zayn your hands are still shaking,” Louis said, reaching across the table to still them.

“I’m trying to deal with a breakup here, I cared about her, no matter what anyone else says, I cared about what we were trying to have, and I don’t know what anyone wants from me right now Louis,” Zayn said.

“Look, you knew this would be part of the deal at some point, please spare me your ‘I just want to be normal Louis’ speech because you’re still you ok, I promise, this just happens to come with your job and especially with being successful at it.”

Louis sighed then, switching from manager to best friend, “I’m worried for you Zayn. None of this has been especially easy for you and it’s only going to ramp up. You have a new video coming out and appearances scheduled back to back to back. You’re the hottest R&B singer out right now, your look, your sound it’s exciting, it’s original and people can’t get enough. Add it in the fact you just had a high profile breakup with another hot up and coming singer and you have to see my point. You need this Zayn, you trust me don’t you?”

Zayn reached up to rub at the beard that covered his chin, his cheeks, and his jaw. The beard that one magazine said ‘Couldn’t hide his flawless symmetrical beauty,’ some trite shit along those lines.

“When you say bodyguard, what like, do you mean exactly?” Zayn asked with trepidation.

“I mean, like, someone who can shield you from some of this shit. I know all you want to do is sing, and this person, whoever I hire, will help make it so that is your only focus again, ok love?”

“Can I interview them?” Zayn asked.

“No.”

Zayn frowned, “Louis, come on, if I have to spend hours and hours of my life with this person I’d like to have a say in who.”

“No. I know you too well, you just want to stall the process, you’ll say you hate them all and keep me looking for applicants. No. I’m choosing. I trust myself.”

“Of course you do,” Zayn said. He swiveled in the chair a few more times before reaching for the tablet that lay on the table between them, “So how bad is it?” he asked, giving Louis his best ‘I don’t give a shit either way’ face.

Louis pulled the tablet away from Zayn’s reach, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Louis,” Zayn started, warningly.

Louis sighed, knowing Zayn wouldn’t let up until he answered.

“They’re saying the break-up is your fault, that you wouldn’t make the time for the relationship. Basically the bullshit we knew they say, that you two were too young, too busy to make it work. They’re saying she was too good for you too. But seriously, don’t worry about it really,” he said.

Zayn shrugged, “I mean, that last part, that’s true Louis.”

“As much as I know you hate it this will all add to your mysterious, bad-boy persona.”

“You’re right, I hate that shit,” Zayn said with a frown.

“It’s a strategy Zayn, it’s the strategy with the least resistance, and besides this whole thing will blow over soon enough. Remember no press is bad press!”

“You’re not very convincing.”

“Anyway, Liam will be here shortly…” Louis said, changing the subject.

“Liam?” Zayn asked.

“Yes Liam Payne from Elite Asset Protection. He comes highly recommended.”

“Elite Asset Protection sounds like some made up insurance company,” Zayn said.

Louis stared at Zayn, willed him to see the patience in his eyes that was starting to, ever so slightly, wear thin.

Zayn leaned back in his chair, getting the message.

Just then an assistant knocked once sharply before opening the door, “Mr. Payne here to see you Mr. Tomlinson.”

Zayn didn’t miss the way the assistant let her eyes linger just a moment too long on him, before stepping out and letting Mr. Payne, Liam in.

Louis hopped out of his seat, crossing the room to Liam, shaking his hand enthusiastically and leading him by the elbow to the table.

Zayn stood as Louis gestured between them, “Liam Zayn Malik. Zayn, this is Liam Payne.”

Zayn held his hand out, offered the tight polite smile he had perfected over the past year as meetings with sharply dressed men and women, who he didn’t remember the names, of flew by.

Liam smiled warmly, “Very nice to meet you Mr. Malik, thanks for having me.”

Louis gestured for them to sit.

“Liam’s company has a unique way of setting up protection specialist with clients, isn’t that right Liam?” Louis asked with one of the brightest smile Zayn had ever seen from his old friend.

“Yes that’s true. We match up our protection specialists with clients whose personality inventory best match,” Liam explained confidently.

Zayn did appreciate that, he was used to people shrinking in his presence. He hated it. Liam seemed very sure of himself, and his agency. That was at least a good sign.

“What that means love is that Liam here is going to find you an introverted weirdo like yourself,” Louis explained.

Liam snorted, trying to suppress a smile.

Zayn tried his hardest to look bored with the whole thing, “I got that Louis thank you.”

Liam handed a sheet of paper to Zayn with just a website, login information and a code printed on it.

“I’ll just need you to take our personality index then from there we take your information and run it against our agents. We take in other factors, such as age, background, length of the job all of that and the program gives us a match. Then you two have a sit down meet, moderated by Louis and myself, and we see if it works. If not we go back to the drawing board.”

“I have complete faith in your process Liam, I’m sure we won’t have to meet more than one of your agents right Zayn?” Louis asked with the scary tone, the tone that seemed sweet but was deadly underneath.

“Of course,” Zayn replied, already irritated with the whole thing. His fingers were starting to itch for a cigarette and he had already started thinking about the cleanup vocals for his album he was scheduled to lay that night.

“Wonderful, Zayn since you will need someone with you in New York next week, let’s say you have this done by tonight?” Louis said in the same sweet tone that suggested he wasn’t negotiating.

Zayn frowned, “Sure of course.”

“You need to know he’s prone to panic attacks,” Louis said to Liam.

“Louis, I’m not a dog, this isn’t like a pet-sitting service, what is wrong with you?” Zayn hissed.

Liam held up his hands, “We don’t have to discuss anything sensitive if you don’t want too. That’s why we do it this way, through the site. It’s much more confidential, we know the need for a bodyguard alone is already intrusive so we try to make our process as comfortable as possible for our clients. And remember it’s important to be honest when you answer the questions, it’s only going to help find a better fit for you.”

“Sounds great, I need a cigarette Lou,” Zayn said softly, trying his hardest not to be rude, but he was suddenly very over discussing this topic, mainly himself and his mental instability.

“Alright fair enough,” Louis stood holding his hand out to Liam, “A pleasure, like always, he will have the questionnaire in tonight.”

Liam turned to look at Zayn, “No rush, it’ll take me half a day at the least to process the results, but I know you’re on a time crunch.”

“Thank you Liam,” Louis said.

“It was nice to meet you Zayn,” Liam said with another warm smile.

Zayn felt badly for being rude, so he stood, held his hand out to Liam, “You too.”

As soon as the door shut Zayn rolled his eyes at Louis, “I trust your process Leeyum….” Zayn said batting his eyelashes at Louis and tossing a pen his way.

Louis held his hands up, “Don’t be mean to Mr. Payne, he’s cute.”

“Is this whole thing about securing my safety or about matching you up?” Zayn asked.

“Your unaffected, detached too cool for school persona does nothing for me Zayn, I know it works wonders on your legions of fans, but to me, it’s simply annoying.”

Louis stood then, “Come on, up you go, we are late for fittings.” 

~

“Got you a gig today,” Liam said to Harry, who was currently stretched out on a yoga mat at their gym, holding some intricate pose, curly hair held back in a bun.

“You can’t know for sure yet Liam,” Harry replied, voice only hinting at strain in his muscles.

“I have a gut feeling, I know it’s going to be your assignment. He seems cool, he’s quiet, kinda reserved.”

Harry stood up, shaking out his shoulders, “It’s someone big then, since you won’t say his name, you always do that.”

“Let’s just see, if I’m right it could be good. He’s pretty on edge about this whole bodyguard thing, his manager told me.”

“I don’t blame him,” Harry replied.

Liam grinned at Harry, “I think we impressed them.”

Harry shook his head, ran a towel over his bare arms, “You don’t give yourself enough credit Liam. Taking over your father’s business isn’t the easiest thing, but you’re doing great job with this company. Really.”

“Couldn’t do it without you,” Liam said with a smile.

Harry snorted, “I doubt that, especially after what went down in London last summer.”

“That was shit, it wasn’t your fault Harry. You’re good at your job that’s all that matters. I trust you. I can trust our clients with you. That’s hard to find. Especially with someone like this, you’re the perfect person for him. I can feel it,” Liam said.

“Yeah, yeah, inherited that from your dad like you say,” Harry said.

“Ready to spar with me?” Liam asked.

“If you mean ready to hold up my hands and try not to get hurt, sure.”

~

Harry threw his gym bag onto the floor right inside his front door. He had been teaching classes at the upscale gym near the beach all morning, yoga and spin, before he headed toward the east side of LA to run the boxing and beginning self-defense classes with Liam.

If nothing else teaching classes kept Harry in shape, sharp and out of trouble. If he was being honest with himself he was getting antsy without an assignment however.

When Harry returned to LA a year and half ago from his four year commitment to the Army, a rash decision he made straight out of high school, he had no job, no home, no friends save for Liam. So he called him and a lunch meeting lead to a job offer as Liam was taking over a very successful Personal Security agency from his father, and Liam was looking to hire.

Now Harry watered his plants, started laundry, and stuck to his daily routine.

It had been five weeks now without an assignment.

Harry was good at his job, he knew he was. Liam’s agency had rules and processes and Harry learned to be great at following processes and procedures after his four years in the Army. He was polite, he was discreet, he used his head, he stayed calm, and he was patient. He looked good in a suit, which Liam said was highly important for their Hollywood type roster of clients.  
Harry just wanted to work.

Liam said he was trying out some of the newer guys, getting them some experience, giving Harry a break. He promised Harry the next big assignment through. So as Harry prepared his chicken and asparagus in his too empty too quiet too big apartment he could now afford, he hoped Liam was right about his mystery meeting earlier in the day.

~

Zayn looked up from the bright laptop screen, “Would you guys say being adaptable is more important to me than being organized?”

Niall Horan, Zayn’s producer, looked up from the control board, “Nah, you’re not very adaptable, love you, but you’re not,” Niall turned in his chair to face Zayn, “Hey are there like any weird sexual fetish type questions on there?”

Zayn smiled, “Some actually.”

“You should answer with the freakiest things you can think of…” Niall started.

“No! Zayn quit messing it up, you have to answer the questions, without our input. Niall, I’m ashamed of you, you know this is important, you know he’s needed a bodyguard for awhile. Let’s not screw it up yeah?”

Niall nodded, “Yeah you’re right, sorry Lou, and he’s right Z. You doin’ alright by the way?”

Zayn mumbled something that resembled ‘fine’ before burying his nose back into the laptop. There were over one hundred questions on this thing. He wasn’t sure he even knew himself that well.

Later that evening, or actually early morning, as Zayn laid down he heard the pings of new text messages from his phone, he knew instinctively it was her. Trying to talk him down, make him feel better. It had been her choice to end it. She needed to focus on her career, she said. He couldn’t hate her for that, her drive was one of the things that attracted him to her in the first place. Despite that, it still hurt.

~

Zayn wouldn’t admit it to Louis but he was glad they scheduled the meeting outside, it was nice to smell fresh air, and feel the sun. One of his therapists a long time ago said being in an open space would help calm him, and she was right.

“Are you going to be nice?” Louis asked, after sipping his tea.

“Of course, I’m not as difficult as you make me out to be Louis,” Zayn replied, running his hands through his hair, wishing he had tied it back.

“Hmm, only to me then,” Louis said, looking over his mug at Zayn.

“Because I love you,” Zayn said.

“Oh look here they come!” Louis exclaimed, putting down his mug of tea and standing to greet Liam, with a hug this time Zayn noticed.

Liam shook Zayn’s hand with his same friendly smile on his face, before turning to the other man standing with him.

“This is Harry Styles, he’s actually one of my best agents, I’m pleased it seems as though he was the best match for this assignment.”

Zayn looked at Harry for the first time. He was dressed sharply, in a navy blue suit cut flatteringly to his lean body with the cream colored button down he wore underneath unbuttoned at the top. His hair was long, to his shoulders almost, a little wild, but it worked. He looked like a model, not a bodyguard.

Zayn felt Louis’s sharp elbow in his ribs then, so Zayn held his hand out, “Zayn Malik,” he said, introducing himself.

“Harry Styles,” Harry replied, before shaking his hand, then Louis’s.

Once they were seated again Liam spoke first, “Zayn, Harry is exceptional at making our clients feel comfortable, he’s handled many of our high profile clients, so he knows and understands the special needs that come along with an assignment like yours. He’s discreet, he can blend into a scene…”

“Wait a minute,” Louis said, interrupting Liam, “This is the Harry Styles isn’t it? The one in the tabloids last summer…”

“That situation…” Liam started, keeping calm, to his credit.

“What are you talking about?” Zayn asked Louis.

“Last summer Harry was tour with that singer, the English one, supposedly there was a little romance?” Louis asked, leaning in conspiratorially.

Again, to his credit, Liam didn’t look ruffled in the least, “That was bound to happen, she was a young attractive singer, and he’s a young handsome bodyguard. The press just wanted a chance to make her the Whitney Houston to Harry’s Kevin Costner, but we can assure you there was nothing unprofessional going on.”

Zayn hazarded a look at Harry, whose face gave nothing away. In fact his unaffected face could almost rival his own.

Louis looked at Zayn for his thoughts, Zayn shrugged, “Shouldn’t believe everything you read anyway.”

Zayn really could not care less as it was. His phone was insistently vibrating against his thigh in his pocket, he had rehearsals all afternoon and his nerves were starting to get the best of him. This was the last thing he wanted to deal with he realized, his moment of peace in the sunshine forgotten now.

Louis shrugged at that, turning to Liam and Harry, “Alright then, carry on.”

“Right so, usually we set up a trial run, something small, just for the client to get a better feel for our agent. I know you need someone by next week so, we’d love to schedule something soon, if you’re interested?” Liam said.

“Sounds grand, Zayn?” Louis asked.

“I have to go to B.A.R tomorrow night,” Zayn replied, defiantly looking at Louis.

“Are you sure about that?” Louis asked in a loud whisper.

Zayn nodded.

“B.A.R Club it is! Tomorrow night!” Louis announced.

“Wonderful,” Liam replied, “I’ll call you this afternoon Louis, to iron everything out.”

Liam excused himself and Harry graciously as always, but quickly, sensing the vibe between Louis and Zayn.

Back at the car Liam looked over at Harry, “Well?”

“He seems like a stand-offish asshole,” Harry mumbled, more to himself than Liam.

Harry definitely knew who Zayn Malik was, his voice was incredible, his songs catchy enough for radio. And Zayn was attractive of course all smoldering looks and sharp features, and he looked great in the stripped button up he had on today, but Harry was more interested in what was on the inside of a person, and with a face like that Zayn was sure to be an asshole.

“You can too you know that? Give him a chance, he’s in a weird situation,” Liam explained as he maneuvered them onto the freeway.

“It’s a job Liam, that’s all I need to know.”

~

"You’re singing from your throat, you do that when your head is somewhere else,” Niall admonished from the side of the small studio they were renting out to rehearse Zayn’s “Late Night” appearance next week.

Zayn cursed loudly, barely resisting the urge to throw his microphone at Niall.

Niall walked over to him, grabbed Zayn by the shoulders, “Hey, hey it’s alright, what’s going on Z?”

Zayn sighed deeply, “Just bullshit, I’m sorry, look let’s start over.”

Niall gave him an unsure look before taking up the spot he was stood in before, restarting the track.

Zayn was singing, he could feel it, but Niall was right, his mind was elsewhere.

She wanted to meet him, talk in person, one last time. She had suggested B.A.R. Zayn originally was going to deny the request, then his heart decided for him, texted her back, ‘ok’. He regretted it immediately. Seeing her again would probably only make things worse.

He winced when the track cut off.

“Go home Z, really. We’re not getting anywhere tonight,” Niall said, sounding frustrated.

“Sorry Ni, really,” Zayn said weakly.

“Whatever it is, get it sorted quickly. You won’t get a second chance on a show like this you know that right?”

“I know, I know,” Zayn said.

“Just do yourself a favor and get some sleep,” Niall called at his back. 

~

There were strict rules and procedures that one followed if they worked for Liam Payne and Elite Asset Protection.

Harry had these rules memorized. He lived every moment on assignment following these rules.

Think ahead, know the answers before the questions are asked, Rule number 3.

Harry adjusted the temperature in the car while he stood waiting outside of Zayn’s modest house, in the starter section of an expensive celebrity neighborhood.

Liam had given him a few words of advice he had picked up from his phone call with Louis the day before. Mostly just along the lines of asking Harry how he felt about Boyz II Men, because apparently Zayn was a huge fan of 90’s R&B, and Harry could work with that, he didn’t mind it himself either.

Zayn emerged dressed in all black, expensive jeans, expensive t-shirt, very expensive boots and leather jacket, his hair pulled back into a tidy top knot.

Harry opened the car door for him with a nod, before sliding back into the driver’s seat of the rented Range Rover.

The car ride was silent, Zayn scrolled through his phone in the back seat while the radio created white noise in the cabin.

Harry switched the satellite station.

When Craig David’s melodic crooning replaced the previous used car ad Harry flicked his eyes up to the rear view mirror, to gauge Zayn’s reaction.

He was rewarded with a small uptick to Zayn’s lips as he turned his focus out the window, leaning his head against the glass.

The paparazzi were out in full force at B.A.R and Harry groaned internally. He liked to avoid situations like these, not drive right into them, but Louis had already inked the deal with Liam, not giving Zayn an out, so Harry was officially on assignment.

Harry handed the keys to the valet quickly, before opening Zayn’s door, using his own body to block as many of the cameras as he could.

Harry noticed the way Zayn winced at the flashes, held his hand up to shield his face, with a shaking hand.

Once inside Zayn relaxed only slightly, Harry held his hand near the small of Zayn’s back out of habit, not touching, but able to react quickly to guide Zayn if need be.

They settled into a quiet VIP section, while Harry scanned the surroundings, Zayn tapped at his phone.

Harry noticed how on edge Zayn seemed, he was bouncing his leg up and down, checking his phone, biting at his nails.

His behavior made sense when a leggy blonde stepped up to their suite, Zayn nodded at Harry who let her in.

This was the ex, Harry recognized her from the twitter headlines he had scanned through days ago.

Harry kept a respectful distance, back toward the ex-couple, eyes scanning the dance floor. He could hear their voices rising, arguing however.

At one point the blonde pushed past Harry, to hurry down the stairs and Zayn followed after because they always do Harry thought, before he followed after Zayn.

Zayn had caught her by the elbow on the dance floor. The crowd was beginning to notice who exactly they were.

Harry swopped in then, behind Zayn who was pleading with the blonde, Nicole something Harry’s brain supplied unhelpfully.

Nicole something’s own security stepped in then and wrapped a guiding hand around hers, pulling her away from Zayn, as Harry pulled Zayn toward the back exit.

Harry vaguely registered the slew of frustrated profanity falling from Zayn’s lips before the air went still and quiet around them once he got them outside, slamming the door behind them.

Harry really was patient, he really was, he tried to remind himself as he called the valet from his cell to get them to bring the Range to the back of the club.

“I wasn’t done talking to her,” Zayn finally said, speaking to Harry for the first time that night.

“Looked like she was done,” Harry replied, slipping his phone back into the breast pocket of his suit jacket, “I think you two made enough of a scene as it is. It’s probably time to let her go you know.”

Zayn cursed, “What do you know about it? Fuck off.”

“Get in the car,” Harry said, voice level, when the Range appeared.

Once a safe distance away from the club Harry cleared his throat, “There’s something I need you to understand Zayn. I have a strict set of rules, I operate by my rules. The rules are what keeps you safe, it keeps things easy. My number one rule is to be precautionary so that I don’t have to reactionary. Going to that bar was a bad idea from the start. I know that a lot of this is new to you, but this is my job, please, just let me do my job. For the future know that there are better ways to handle personal matters than in public.”

“I never wanted you in the first place,” Zayn replied coolly.

“Mr. Tomlinson hired me, no offense, but I follow his direction. If you want me fired, talk to him about it because he signs my checks, I work for him.”

“You talk like someone who googled ‘How to Become a Bodyguard,” Zayn said.

Harry had a million replies to Zayn’s dig, but he was a professional, so he kept them to himself.

Back at Zayn’s Harry once again opened Zayn’s car door for him, this time handing him a small plastic key ring, “Take this, keep it on you at all times,” Harry said, pressing what felt like a key fob into Zayn’s palm.

“What is this?” Zayn asked.

“If you ever need me, press the button. I’ll find you, take care of the situation.”

Zayn narrowed his eyes, “Like GPS?”

“Yes, astonishingly GPS can work for individuals too.”

“Are you being sarcastic?” Zayn asked.

“Not at all,” Harry replied, “Goodnight Zayn.”

Zayn wished he could read Harry’s eyes better, maybe even wanted to push him, see if he’d take the bait, bite back. Break his professional exterior long enough for Zayn to have reason to get him fired.

Zayn stripped and threw himself into his bed, once upstairs in his bedroom. His phone vibrated urgently from his nightstand. He answered without looking at the caller, he knew who it would be.

“What the actual fuck Zayn,” Louis hissed on the other end.

“I’m sorry, really I am, but I needed to do this Louis.”

“Needed to add more fuel to the fire? What were you thinking?” Louis asked.

“I was thinking I’m fucking trying to sort out a lot of shit in my head, and this was one of those things Louis,” Zayn replied, just as heated.

“Look, don’t think I’m not sympathetic to your plight, but at some point you have to focus on other things here Zayn. This isn’t last year when you two were unknowns singing back up on tracks ok? Why are you so hell bent on building the exact reputation you said you despised? I don’t understand your self-sabotage, I really don’t, but understand this, it’s bigger than just you now. Do you get that? Why in the world did you put Harry through that? He probably thinks you’re some impossible dickhead now.”

“He lo-jacked me,” Zayn hissed into the phone.

“That sounds vaguely dirty,” Louis replied after a beat.

Zayn sighed, “I don’t know if I can do this Lou.”

“You can and you will. It’s just an adjustment you’re going through babe, it’s going to all be ok, I promise. But you can’t let all your hard work end up being in vain ok?”

“I really thought we could make it work Lou,” Zayn said quietly, covering his eyes with his free hand.

“I know, but the timing was shit ok? It’s time to take care of you now. Try to get some sleep, Niall says you sound like you haven’t been sleeping, which is a very Niall thing to say.”

“Goodnight Lou.”

Zayn resigned himself to smoking himself through his thoughts, perched on his bedroom balcony he watched the lights in the valley below twinkle.

Maybe Louis was on to something about his self-sabotage of late. He was wallowing in his moodiness, he could feel it on him, clinging like a sweater after a rain storm.

Zayn had always had a fear of failure, but no one explained the crippling fear of success to him, and what that success would bring.

So far all he had to show for giving up his life for his one dream was a big empty house and an on-going twitter rant calling him every name under the sun except his own, for hurting Nicole.

What was the answer to the scariest question he had ever heard in his life, ‘what now?’

~

Harry spent the rest of the weekend hiking, doing yoga, watering his plants, reading, basically anything that would help himself re-center.

He was to fly out with Zayn in the next few days to New York City.

The two had only shared one not entirely friendly conversation at this point.

Liam arranged for Harry to stop by the studio where Zayn was currently rehearsing, to get a better feel for Zayn as a person, apparently by Louis’s request.

So Harry found himself sitting at the back of the rehearsal space, watching blue and purple lights slide over Zayn as he poured his heart into the microphone. There was no other way to describe it, he was singing from the soul, and it was that sound, that vulnerability that made him special, that made everyone take notice.

His voice sent chills down Harry’s spine every now and again as it filled the studio.

“He’s actually quite good, believe it or not,” Louis said to Harry.

Harry stood straighter at the appearance of Louis.

“Relax Harry, I just want to chat for a quick second. I don’t want you to think that Zayn is some sort of moody diva because normally he isn’t. He’s having a hard time adjusting, and I can’t be there all the time, as much as I want to be. So I need you to promise me you’ll take care of him. He’s a good person I promise, just give him a chance.”

Harry felt caught off guard, usually he didn’t have such candid conversations with his clients.

“It’s my job to keep him safe, no matter what. I can promise you I’ll do my job,” Harry replied.

Louis blinked then said, “That’s all I can ask I suppose. Liam has the travel itinerary. Enjoy New York Harry.”

~

Zayn had watched Harry all morning.

Watched the way he always had the answers, knew where to go, and knew the fastest way there.

Harry got them through security faster than Zayn had ever been, confidently and efficiently.

They were seated on the plane now, Harry sitting in the aisle seat, Zayn the window.

Harry was patting his suit jacket, which he had laid in his lap, and then he started patting his trouser pockets before crossing his arms over his chest, a resigned look of defeat briefly passing over his features.

“What’s wrong?” Zayn asked.

“Nothing,” Harry replied.

“Please don’t lie. I’ll respect your rules Harry, I promised Lou that, to the best I can, but I have rules too, and I hate liars. So, what’s wrong?” Zayn asked.

Harry frowned, tilted his head, “That’s the most you’ve ever spoken to me.”

Zayn opened his mouth to say something else, but Harry realized quickly that he had already stepped just slightly over the line by commenting at all so he interrupted Zayn.

“I forgot my earphones,” Harry said.

“You forgot your earphones?” Zayn replied, as a grin started to stretch across his face, a grin that turned into a laugh, “You got us through security with no problems, no cameras, no hassles, we got here right on time to take off but you forgot your earphones?”

Harry frowned at him, Zayn took note of how young Harry really could look at times, for a body guard he really wasn’t intimidating physically, but his demeanor truly made a difference.

Harry truly was a professional, and it radiated off him. Except for right now, he resembled a pouting child.

“It's not funny,” Harry said in reply, “You have to understand it’s like I'm traveling with a kid I have to look after you first,” Harry said by way of explanation.

“It's ok. It's fine. Calm down. It's just nice to know you're human, and not a robot that’s all,” Zayn said with a shrug, before sitting back in his seat, “I have an extra pair, if you want to borrow them, this is a hell of a long flight to go without.”

“Thank you, if you’re sure?” Harry asked.

Zayn noticed the way his face softened, and he thought maybe he could like that Harry, Robocop Harry put Zayn off, even though he knew Harry had to be that way. It was his job.

Zayn dug through his backpack, producing a pristine pair of ear buds still in their original packaging, “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” Harry said, with a smile.

For the first time Zayn noticed that Harry had dimples. Big green eyes, long soft looking hair and dimples, this could potentially be a problem.

Zayn smiled back tightly, before leaning back into his seat. He heard the engines starting up. He hated this part of flying. Hated take-off more than anything in the world.

He gripped the arm rest hard enough to turn his knuckles white. He felt Harry’s eyes on his hands and wanted to be embarrassed but Zayn was too busy praying to every deity in existence that the plane wouldn’t rattle apart hundreds of feet in the air.

Once the plane evened out to a safe flying altitude Zayn snuck a peak at Harry. He had one earphone in, leaving the ear facing the aisle free and Zayn felt safe then as he let go of the arm rest. 

~

Whatever headway Zayn thought they might have made on the plane Harry shut down the moment they landed.

Zayn had a problem with becoming infatuated with people very quickly, he knew that. He also wanted to still childishly protest against Harry’s very existence, but what Louis had said about it not being just Zayn’s ass on the line now really resonated with Zayn. So he made a promise to do better by Louis, and Louis wanted Harry with him, so Zayn gave up that battle.

However Zayn had an aversion to anything he deemed ‘too Hollywood’, and a stoic body guard was exactly that. He was also jittery and anxious beyond belief. Having his name called out by strangers in public took a lot out of him, being ‘Zayn Malik, R&B Star, Inc.’ took a lot out of him.

He missed the comfort of Louis almost immediately. He needed someone to be himself around, it keep his nerves at bay, and right now, he didn’t feel comfortable around Harry, not yet.

“It’s not true, you know, what the magazines and blogs say,” Zayn said, trying to clear the air between the two of them as Harry maneuvered their rented car out of JFK.

Harry kept his gaze on the city passing by them, “I really don’t care, either way.”

“Are you always like this?” Zayn asked.

“While I’m working, yes. It’s part of the rules.”

“Do you ever break your rules?” Zayn asked.

“In my last line of work if you didn’t follow the rules you got yourself, or someone else, hurt badly.”

“This isn’t war Harry,” Zayn replied.

Harry’s eyes flicked up to meet Zayn’s in the rearview mirror for a second before he focused on the road again.

“Louis told me,” Zayn said by way of explanation.

“I’m in charge of your safety, but also your public reputation. We can be friendly, we can be polite with one another, but it can’t cross that line.”

“So it’s true then, you and that singer? That’s the only reason I can think of for you to be so stand-offish. And please spare me some star-crossed lover story, it’s bound to be boring  
and cliché anyway,” Zayn said, the moodiness in his tone catching even him off guard.

A few blocks later Harry said, “It wasn’t true. Any of it.”

Once Zayn was tucked in safely in his hotel suite, after telling Harry he was probably going to nap for the next five years, Harry settled into his room next door.

He pressed accept as Liam’s face filled the screen of his phone, “Hey Li.”

“How’s New York?” Liam asked.

“So far so good.”

“How’s the package?” Louis asked.

“Is Louis there?” Harry asked.

“Louis is indeed here,” Louis replied.

“I feel like I’m on a conference call with my parents,” Harry said.

“You are, in a way,” Liam replied.

“Zayn’s sleeping,” Harry replied, wanting to move this conversation out of weird territory.

“You should have dinner with him,” Louis suggested.

Harry heard Liam’s scoff.

“No, no, listen he’s not good being alone, he gets homesick and he starts freaking out about literally everything, he likes to have company.”

“I’m not sure how comfortable I am with that,” Harry said.

“You have to eat, he has to eat, just eat together. I’ll call him and suggest it. This is a big week for him Harry, I’m just trying to keep his freak-outs and anxiety to a minimum, there’s  
different levels and I’m not sure you want to handle full blown anxiety attack. They’re not good,” Louis said, his voice growing softer with concern.

“If he suggests it then fine,” Harry said.

“Splendid, the art gallery opening tonight should be good for him, you’ll be fine, he’ll be fine,” Louis said.

“You’ll be fine Louis,” Liam interrupted.

“We will all be fine, anything else?” Harry asked, pinching the bridge of his nose, hoping he wasn’t developing a headache.

“I think that’s it, just, try not to be too standoffish with him, I know that’s your job, Liam explained to me how you guys operate, but Zayn’s not good with that. Just try to be a little friendly,” Louis said.

“That can turn into a weird gray area you understand that right?” Harry asked.

“I trust you, because Liam trusts you, you’ll be a professional, you’ll keep it professional, but professionally be there for him a little bit,” Louis said.

Harry was definitely getting a headache, “Thank you for the vague instructions. I’m going to take a nap now if that’s alright.”

~

Zayn looked effortlessly cool and expensive simultaneously. Harry was glad he himself opted for the charcoal gray suit this evening, he had felt black would be too harsh.

The restaurant at the hotel had insanely high ceilings, reminding Harry of the old buildings and restaurants he had visited in Europe while he was on assignment last summer. Harry liked that about New York, it felt older, like it had history, so different than LA.

Zayn was chewing harshly at his bottom lip as he stared at the menu.

“Problem?” Harry asked.

“I’m super picky about food, Louis hates it,” Zayn said.

Harry looked down at his own menu, the restaurant in the hotel happened to be a French Brasserie, complete with duck dishes and other French delicacies.

“I see, well, what do you like?” Harry asked.

“Simple food, like a hamburger and fries sounds perfect right now,” Zayn replied, before sipping his water.

“Alright,” Harry said, motioning for the waiter.

The waiter leaned down as Harry whispered to him, motioning at the menu once or twice. The waiter left with a nod to Harry and another to Zayn.

Zayn smiled, “What did you tell him?”

“It’s easy to make things happen when you ask people nicely. He’s bringing you a burger and fries.” Harry said.

“That’s amazing, really?” Zayn asked, his face lighting up.

Harry bit back a smile, “Yeah, really.”

“Sick,” Zayn said, smiling brightly now, “You’re like a knight in shining armor.”

Harry frowned, “No, I wouldn’t say that.”

“I just don’t like being difficult, I guess,” Zayn said softly.

“It’s ok, sometimes, to ask for what you really want. It’s all just in how you ask,” Harry replied with a wink he almost regretted when Zayn looked away shyly.

The gallery was out in Williamsburg, which put Harry at ease almost instantly. Being out in Brooklyn meant leaving the Manhattan hustle and bustle behind.

Harry appreciated the setting. The low-key art gallery was alive with extraordinarily fashionable and probably rich people, but their demeanor was much closer to Zayn’s. So Harry felt comfortable keeping a bigger distance between he and Zayn, letting the star mingle unhindered.

A painting had caught Harry’s eye, it was filled with blues and greens and it reminded him of the ocean, it was something he’d like to own for himself he thought.

Harry smelled his Gucci cologne before he heard Zayn, “I like this one too, it’s calming.”

Harry nodded, feeling Zayn’s eyes on him he turned to look down at him, just slightly.

“Want to peruse with me?” Zayn asked with a shy smile, “I love art, draw a little myself, but when it comes to galleries, I don’t know, this woman was rattling off periods and artists and how this guy is the modern day Degas and I don’t know about all that really. I know some but, I just want to talk about what I like without embarrassing myself.”

Zayn was rambling, Harry tried not to find it endearing.

“Yes of course,” Harry replied.

“Are you interested in art?” Zayn asked Harry as they slowly started to make their way through the gallery, side by side.

“I’m like you, I know some, I’m not terribly well versed, but I do know what I like,” Harry said.

Zayn nodded, turning his attention back to the canvases hung throughout the stark white gallery.

They walked together in an easy quiet for a few minutes, both seeming to linger on the same pieces. Harry noticed the attention Zayn gave each piece the way his eyes lit up when he found something that interested him.

A woman with her silver hair cut short in a smart cut stopped to touch Zayn’s elbow.

Harry waited for Zayn’s reaction before reacting himself and when Zayn broke out into a huge smile, Harry relaxed.

“Zayn! I’m so happy you made it!” the woman exclaimed.

“Of course, I couldn’t miss this, the gallery looks amazing, and his work is great, really great. Oh I’m sorry! I’m being rude, Sylvia this is Harry.”

“Hi Harry,” Sylvia said, reaching for his hand.

Harry smiled politely, “Nice to meet you.”

“Is this the boyfriend?” Sylvia asked with a mischievous smile.

Harry watched Zayn’s ear tips turn red before Harry said, “No, not that that wouldn’t be appealing, I’m actually with Zayn’s management team.”

Zayn coughed to mask his surprise at Harry’s sudden display of charm, he noticed the dimples were on display for Sylvia as well.

Sylvia frowned slightly, “Oh, I’m used to seeing Louis around, you’re always working, working, working! I was hoping maybe you had finally carved a little personal time away for yourself.”

Zayn smiled politely, “He’s stuck back in LA with work,” he replied.

“A shame, well send my love to Louis, it was wonderful to meet you Harry, and great to see you Zayn,” she said, excusing herself to mingle with a couple a few feet away.

“Thanks,” Zayn said to Harry.

“It’s my job. Time and place dictates who I am to you, quiet event like this, having a bodyguard would be almost pretentious.”

“You don’t think I’m pretentious?” Zayn asked, with a smile.

“No, shockingly, I don’t.”

“I’m not trying hard enough then,” Zayn replied.

Harry smiled, in spite of himself.

“I came out here, to New York last year, to sign my contracts,” Zayn said as the two started walking again, “I had heard about this gallery so I wanted to see it. I stopped in on a Tuesday afternoon, no one was here except Sylvia. We started talking and she told me how she throws these art shows to help raise money for the children’s art program she runs. So I asked her how I could help, I wasn’t really well known then, so she asked me to come back, to one of these in a year, when I was famous. It’ll bring in the rich people she had said. So I hope it’s helping her, and the kids,” Zayn finished with a shrug.

“That story didn’t exactly help your pretentious celebrity cred,” Harry replied, trying to ignore the fact that every new thing he learned about Zayn was actually disarming.

“How about this for pretentious, I’m actually getting sort of tired,” Zayn said.

“Ready to head back?” Harry asked.

“If you don’t mind,” Zayn said.

“No problem at all,” Harry replied, settling a guiding hand on Zayn’s lower back, letting himself touch this time.

~

Harry knocked on Zayn’s hotel door the next morning after Harry’s procedural check in text went unanswered.

Harry frowned at the door then looked down the hallway. The red exit sign caught his eye and he jogged over to it quickly, entering the stair well and taking the steps up two at a time before reaching the door that led to the rooftop, about three flights up from their floor.

He pushed the door open, careful to make sure it wouldn’t lock behind him. The sun was struggling to break through the heavy gray New York City clouds but seemed to be failing.

Harry surveyed the rooftop before he made out Zayn’s figure, leaning his elbows against the stone wall, peacefully looking out over New York, a cigarette burning in his hand.

“How’d you find me?” Zayn asked, eyes still gazing at Central Park.

“You’re not very sneaky, and Louis already told me about your rooftop smoke breaks. You didn’t answer my text.”

“Left my phone in my room,” Zayn replied, calm as anything.

Harry resisted the urge to grab at his own hair and pull it. He breathed deeply three times, closing his eyes, trying to let the frustration bleed from his veins before he spoke. “Zayn, I need you to understand what a phenomenal breach of security that has the potential to be. I ‘m going to ask, respectfully, that going forward, you keep your phone on you, at all times.”

Zayn ground out his cigarette butt under his boot, his eyes on Harry now, “Sometimes I just need like fifteen minutes alone, outside, away from everyone.”

“I get it, I understand, it’d just be safer if you told me where you were going, so it stays quiet for you. I need to know these things Zayn, I need to know that I can get to you if need be.”

Zayn nodded, “Ok. Ok, I promise, won’t happen again.”

Harry wasn’t entirely too convinced with that answer but let it go for now, “I’ll meet you in the lobby, take a few more minutes to yourself.”

Zayn managed to look only slightly caught off guard at Harry’s reaction before nodding.

Harry hurried back inside, and down to the lobby, grabbing two cups of coffee from the café inside the hotel. He was giving Zayn the space he needed, the space he was asking Harry for.

Harry was holding up his end of the deal, if Zayn came down to the lobby in a few minutes Harry would count it as a win. They both had rules, but a compromise didn’t seem entirely impossible.

Zayn appeared a few minutes later, beanie pulled down over his hair, shoulders up, trying to look unrecognizable.

Harry stepped in front of him, “I got you coffee.”

Zayn started at the cups in Harry's hands, “You didn't have too.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, “Do you want me to take it back or…?”

Zayn grabbed for it, “Sorry, thank you.”

On the way to the studio where Zayn was scheduled for a rehearsal, before the show taped the next day, Harry glanced up at the rearview window, catching Zayn’s eye, “You really don't like letting people do things for you do you?” Harry asked.

Zayn shrugged, “Not particularly no,” he said.

Harry scanned the radio stations while they sat a red light. He found the R&B station again, turned it down low enough to talk over.

“We have to let the people that care about us do things for us though. From time to time,” Harry said.

Zayn smirked, his forehead pressed against the window again, “Are you saying you care about me?”

“I get paid to, so yeah. I do,” Harry replied before turning the Ginuwine song up for Zayn’s benefit. Harry did catch the way Zayn’s eyes fell just the slightest bit after Harry’s retort.

Harry wondered if hearing Zayn and watching Zayn perform would ever lose its magic. Zayn was magnetic when he performed, he had a quiet fire that burned to him, and people couldn’t help but pay attention, draw close, like a moth to a flame.

Zayn ran through the song for about an hour with the band before the set was needed, and Zayn joined Harry to make their way back to the car.

“You sounded great,” Harry said, hoping it came out genuine.

Zayn smiled weakly, “I’m a little plugged up. Niall would be having a fit, but it’ll be better tomorrow.”

Back at the hotel Zayn stopped before entering his room, “Harry?”

Harry raised his eyebrows, “Yeah?”

“Can we do something? I mean, I don’t want to stay in this room all afternoon, I’ll go crazy.”

Harry ran the request over in his mind, Zayn did have a career making or breaking appearance to make the next day, however, being cooped up with nothing to do but over think it probably wouldn’t help.

Harry shrugged, “Sure, where do you want to go?”

Zayn bit at his bottom lip before simply saying, “The zoo,” his eyes dared Harry to say something about it.

Harry wanted to make a joke, he did, but he had been the one to tell Zayn it was ok to ask for what he wanted.

“Alright. Let's go,” Harry said.

Zayn held up his hands, “You have to change. Please.”

Harry looked down at his black suit pants and matching jacket, paired with a classic white button down today, “What’s wrong with this?”

“Honestly I think it’s going to get us more attention, a guy in a suit in the zoo?” Zayn asked.

“It’s New York City,” Harry replied, “no one cares.”

“Please,” Zayn tried again.

“Ok, fine,” Harry said, pushing open his own hotel room door and motioning for Zayn to come it. Harry pointed at the couch in the room, “Stay here, give me five minutes.”

Harry’s hotel room looked pristine, Zayn noted, as he looked around. There was almost no sign of life at all in the steel and cream room.

Zayn really hadn’t expected Harry to agree to the impromptu zoo trip, but he was thankful he did. Zayn needed to be outside, needed to think about something other than singing, or himself, even if it was just for the afternoon.

He fiddled with his phone, resisting the urge to login to Twitter, just for a moment. He had been avoiding all social media, per request from Louis, who it seemed was able to sweep the other night at the club under the rug pretty quickly. Zayn really just wanted his music to do the talking, he really only ever wanted that.

Harry emerged a few minutes later. Zayn smiled, Harry looked good in casual clothes. He had changed into a pair of dark skinny jeans and a simple white shirt, a beanie covering his hair as well.

Zayn stood, “We look like we could be friends now.”

Harry smiled, and motioned toward the door, “Shall we Mr. Malik.”

Zayn smiled, “I like that, keep calling me that.”

“There’s the pretentious streak.” Harry said.

Zayn liked the big cats, Harry noted as he followed Zayn, who was determined to hit up their areas first. It was still cloudy, but it seemed as if the threat of rain had passed. The zoo wasn’t too crowded, since it was the middle of the week, Harry was very thankful for that.

Zayn had his face pressed as close as he could to the bat enclosure currently, “It makes me sad, seeing them in here, I think about how much land they’re used to exploring you know, I wish there was a better way.”

Harry wasn’t entirely sure Zayn was talking to him, or himself, so he stayed quiet, just watched as Zayn tilted his head, trying to get a better view.

It had to be terrifying for Zayn, Harry thought. Zayn was on the brink of super stardom, everyone around him knew it, even Harry knew it in the way Zayn had captivated the few audiences he had seen. It was sweet, Harry thought, how with all that pressure, bearing down just on the other side of tomorrow, Zayn wanted to come here, to this tiny conservatory in the middle of one of the busiest cities in the world. Maybe Zayn felt like one the animals here, on display in too small enclosures.

Harry was starting to see why Louis cared so much about Zayn, about how he was feeling, about how he was dealing. It was hard to be around Zayn and not care. He was vulnerable, almost painfully so, Harry could feel it radiating off him. Zayn was learning how to block himself off, without completely losing himself. Harry couldn’t imagine how hard that process had to be.

A girl’s high pitched ‘Oh my God!’ brought Harry back to reality.

He turned to see two girls tentatively moving closer to Zayn.

“Are you him? Are you really him?” One of them asked.

Harry moved closer to Zayn, letting Zayn dictate the moment for now.

Zayn smiled, switching on ‘Zayn Malik, R&B Star’, “Who do you think I might be?”

“You’re Zayn, I know it! Can we get a picture please?” The second girl asked.

Zayn looked to Harry, and Harry nodded.

Harry reached for the girl’s phone, “I’ll take it for you.

The two girls hurried to stand on either side of Zayn. Harry held up the phone, “Alright, smile!”

Harry smiled at the picture he captured, Zayn’s smile looked easy, confident. Harry was about to hand the phone back to the first girl, but he stopped, “Ladies, please do us a favor, wait until you get home to post this, Zayn is trying to enjoy his afternoon off ok?”

The girls both nodded emphatically before Harry relinquished the phone, “Thank you, we appreciate it.”

The girls hurried off after thanking Zayn, and Harry.

Zayn started walking again, leading them past the Intelligence Garden, toward the small café on the outskirts of the zoo.

“Thanks,” he said to Harry quietly.

Harry frowned, looking at the café’s limited menu, “For what?” he asked.

“For thinking ahead about things,” Zayn said.

“It’s my job,” Harry replied.

Zayn tiled his head, just slightly, “Maybe someday you’ll answer with something other than ‘it’s my job’.”

“Zayn,” Harry started.

“Harry please, don’t explain I understand, I do. It just feels a bit like I have a hired friend and I never wanted that, never wanted ‘yes’ people around me, that sort of thing.”

It was Harry’s job to make Zayn comfortable, as Liam had reminded him via text after his conversation with he and Louis the afternoon before.

Harry shoved his hands into his jeans, “What do you need from me Zayn, what can I do?” he asked, hearing the uncertainty in his own voice and that was certainly new around a client.

“I’m trying desperately to not think about how my life is changing and how big tomorrow is and this is helping it is, but maybe we could talk? Like people, like we aren’t in some absolutely ridiculous situation right now.”

“Alright, let’s have lunch then, like normal people,” Harry said.

He knew this was a slippery slope, it was what he had tried to explain to Louis, but standing in front of soft spoken, caring Zayn Malik with his beautiful large questioning eyes Harry was starting to let his own rules slip, and found himself making excuses for it.

They took their orders to the table furthest away from the entrance.

Harry frowned as he watched Zayn rip up his soft pretzel into pieces to dunk into the bright yellow cheese that accompanied it.

“Why do you hate your body so much? What has it done to you to deserve being fed overly salted pretzels and hamburgers and soda and whatever else processed shit I’m sure you eat,” Harry asked, face screwed up with disgust.

Zayn huffed a laugh, “Ok maybe I liked you better when you didn’t talk. I take it you’re some sort of health nut then?”

Harry shook his head as he picked at his salad, “Not exactly. I try.”

“So what are you into? What do you do when you’re not Mr. Harry ‘I Have Rules’ Styles?” Zayn asked.

“Yoga mostly.”

“I knew it,” Zayn replied dryly, “From the moment I saw you.”

“I also bike, hike, teach self-defense, that sort of thing. I read a lot too,” Harry said.

“You’re single right?” Zayn asked, tossing pieces of his pretzel to the birds that had congregated near them.

“You’re like a real life Snow White, I don’t know if you’re supposed to be feeding them,” Harry said.

“Look how fat they are, I’m not the only one feeding them, now, stop avoiding the question,” Zayn said.

“Yes, I’m single,” Harry said.

“I figured you must be, with this job. Were you really in the Army or did Louis just tell me that to make me feel better?” Zayn asked.

“I was really in the Army,” Harry said, watching one particularly brave bird hop closer to Zayn.

“No offense, but you don’t strike me as the type, you’re all Zen and peace and yoga and patchouli,” Zayn said.

Harry wasn’t sure to be offended or not, “You have only seen me in suits, where did you get that description from?”

“Your vibe,” Zayn answered, like it was obvious.

“Everyone was pretty shocked when I signed up,” Harry said, tossing a salad leaf the bird’s direction.

“Why’d you do it?” Zayn asked, meeting Harry’s eyes.

“At that point in my life I felt like I lacked structure, discipline, thought the Army would sort that out, and it’d be an experience you know.”

“Yeah, a pretty intense one I’d say. What do you really want to do in life?” Zayn asked.

“I like my job,” Harry said.

“Let me rephrase that, if you could do anything, what would it be?”

Harry was stumped, he hated this questions. Hated it for many reasons. He was raised to think practically, save, buy a house, one step after the other. When he stopped to think about what he wanted, he was never sure where the line between what he was supposed to do and what he wanted to do divided.

“That’s a pretty long pause there Harry,” Zayn said.

“I want to help people,” Harry said quietly.

“That’s good! That’s an answer. You’re doing that now right? In a way,” Zayn said.

“In a way,” Harry replied.

“Can I ask you a question, and you don’t have to answer, I’ve just been wondering about it since the day we met,“ Zayn said.

Harry wanted to say no, “Yes,” he said instead.

“Is that why you’re so strict, even on yourself? I can sense it Harry, I pick up on things, it happens when you’re quiet like I am. Did something happen to you?” Zayn asked.

Harry pushed his salad away, took a long drink of water, let Zayn’s words tumble over themselves in his head for a minute before answering.

“Nothing happened, other than the usually shitty stuff that you see in military. It just made me value things, things like safety, human life, rules, order. I’m just older now, that’s all. I’m one of the lucky ones they say, and they’re right. I made it home unscathed, but I wake up every day, knowing how fragile life is. That’s all.”

“You’re interesting Harry. That’s a big reminder to carry around. I’m starting to see what makes you so good at your job,” Zayn said.

Harry was about to reply when a pigeon landed on their table, making Zayn jump. Harry couldn’t help himself then as Zayn fought to shoo the bird away, he started laughing, laughing like he hadn’t in awhile.

“Didn’t I tell you it was a bad idea to feed them?” Harry said.

Zayn smiled at the sight of Harry laughing, really laughing. It looked good on him, made him look younger, he’d even take the laugh at his expense just to listen to it. Zayn knew no matter what, he needed to hear that laugh, see that smile again and again.

It had started to rain as they drove back to the hotel, Zayn quietly scrolled through his pictures he had taken at the zoo while Jagged Edge played.

Back upstairs, in front of their doors Zayn looked almost nervous at the prospect of being alone the rest of the evening. He ran a hand over the back of his neck, before smiling, “Today was better than most dates I've had lately.”

Harry smiled, “I’m glad, I’ll have to go back to being Mr. I Have Rules soon you know.”

“I know. Thank you for today though,” Zayn said.

Harry’s fingers twitched with the need to touch Zayn, to tuck the loose strand of his hair behind his ear, anything to comfort him, in some way since he wasn’t always the best at doing so with words.

“You’re going to be amazing tomorrow, like you always are. Try to turn in early, and if you need me I’m right next door. Remember, ask for what you need alright?” Harry said.  
Zayn nodded, “Thank you, really.”

Harry slipped into his own room then, leaning his back against the door and letting out the breath he felt like he had been holding all day.

He was screwed.

Zayn dried himself off after his long shower, making his way toward the bedroom where his phone was going off repeatedly. He opened the message from Louis which read, “Aw you two look good together,” followed by an obnoxious heart-eyed smiley face. The second message was a screen shot from some entertainment blog, the headline read in bright red; ‘Zoo date for Malik and his bodyguard???’ with the picture of the two of them standing together at the bat enclosure. The third message from Louis read, “Were you guys on a date?”

Zayn hit dial and put the phone on speaker as he dressed in his joggers and a t-shirt he had had since he was sixteen.

“Having a lovely time in New York Zayn?” Louis asked cheerfully.

“Stop it. I wanted to go to the zoo and Harry was nice enough to accommodate it,” Zayn said.

“Looked like a pretty casual thing to me,” Louis replied.

“He was a perfect gentleman. I promise,” Zayn said.

“Much to your dismay I sense,” Louis said.

“He’s actually an interesting person, underneath all that rent-a-cop talk,” Zayn said.

“Don’t tell me you’re falling for him Zayn,” Louis said.

Zayn sighed and sat down on the bed, “Maybe not, It’s just weird being here, like alone, without you. I wish you were here Lou.”

“Hey, it’s ok, you’re going to be ok. You’re coming home tomorrow night and we’re going to celebrate then ok? You, me, Harry, Liam, Niall, we’re going to have a viewing party with chips and gummy bears and whatever shit you want, ok?”

Zayn smiled, willing himself not to cry, “Ok, ok.”

“Ok?” Louis asked.

“Ok,” Zayn replied.

“You’re going to kill it tomorrow kiddo. I have no doubt of that. Try to get some sleep.”

“Yes dad,” Zayn said.

“Remember, Harry is right next door ok, he’s there to help with anything,” Louis said before they exchanged goodbyes.

Zayn got the feeling Louis was nervous about something, and if Zayn was being honest with himself it was probably the same thing he was nervous about as well.

He hadn’t had a panic attack since the mild one the night after he broke up with Nicole. He felt one trying to close in on him, like it was there, just on the fringes. The zoo had helped, but as he switched off the lamp near his bed and laid in the too quiet and too still room he felt his anxiety tighten around his wrists, his ankles, and his stomach.

Harry had a soccer match on with the sound muted as he tried to run through a few yoga poses in the center of his hotel room.

The knock at his door put him on edge instantly. He glanced at the clock, it was past midnight now. He padded over to the door, looked through the peephole to see a small looking Zayn standing in front of his door.

Harry unlocked the door quickly and pulled it open, “Zayn, what’s wrong?” Harry asked, reaching for Zayn to guide him into the room.

“I can’t sleep,” Zayn replied, eyes looking slightly wild.

“Here, come sit down,” Harry said, guiding Zayn to the big bed that was still made.

Harry handed Zayn a glass of water once he had tucked himself against the headboard, pillow in his lap as he sat cross-legged.

Harry sat at the edge of the bed, waited while Zayn drank his water.

“I know Louis said it, that morning, at our meeting, but I get panic attacks, I always have, and I can’t fall asleep because I keep thinking about everything. And it’s not even about tomorrow, it’s just,” Zayn stopped, and took a deep breath then, “What happens when you get everything you want Harry? What do you do then? No one prepared me for that. It’s like this void and I’m standing on the edge of it. I hate the smell of the air conditioning in new cars, I miss painting all day, I miss driving myself places. And I start to ask myself is it worth it. And I don’t know what I’m so scared of and Louis says I’m trying to sabotage myself and I’m afraid he’s right.”

Harry stood, walked around the bed to sit next to Zayn, with his back against the headboard as well.

“I wish, especially right now, that I was better with this kind of stuff, but I know it’s scary, what you’re going through it’s a lot, for anyone. But I think specific people are meant to go through trials like this, because these people can take it. And they’re good-hearted people, they’re people that care and I think you’re one of those people. I know you can do this, and I hardly know you. You’re not going to mess it up Zayn. You’re going to be fantastic, at all of it. Just give yourself the opportunity to find out, because if you fuck this up for yourself you will never forgive yourself for the rest of your life and you don’t want to live with that,” Harry said.

Harry watched the tears sliding down Zayn’s cheek before Zayn reached up to brush at them harshly, “I’m sorry Harry, all this shit builds up in my head, and usually Lou is here…”

“Don’t be sorry, I know I’m not Louis, but I know he believes in you too,” Harry said.

“I’ve had so many people tell me, you’re going to fuck it up Zayn, because I do, I usually do. I’m good at ruining things. But I can’t ruin this. I don’t have anything else,” Zayn said.

“Then don’t. Make up your mind that you won’t and you won’t,” Harry said, nodding to himself.

“You make it sound so easy,” Zayn said.

“It is easy. We become whatever we make ourselves believe we are. Just believe you’re going to be fine Zayn,” Harry said.

Zayn huffed a laugh, “There’s your hippie side coming out.”

Harry laughed, “Yeah, I suppose it is,” he leaned his head against the wall, looking over at Zayn, “You can stay here, tonight, if you need too, if it helps.”

Zayn looked up at Harry, and Harry’s stomach suddenly felt leaden, Zayn looked beautiful and sleepy, lit by the soft bedside lamp.

“Thanks, I know we don’t know each other, like at all, and we basically went from 0-60 today, but thanks for handling it well, I guess,” Zayn said.

“Thanks for asking for what you needed,” Harry said softly, his gaze flicking in between Zayn’s lips and his eyes dangerously.

Zayn frowned, as a thought came to him suddenly, “Why were you awake? It’s late.”

“I don’t sleep very well,” Harry replied, glad the moment was broken.

“Why don’t you sleep?” Zayn asked gently.

“Nightmares,” Harry said by way of explanation, “Come on, you need your rest, go to sleep, don’t worry about me ok.”

Harry moved to get out of the bed, he would take the couch, let Zayn have the bed, but Zayn’s hand on his forearm stopped him, “Stay with me, Harry, please,”

Harry’s brain said no, absolutely not, we’ve broken enough rules today, but Harry’s mouth said, “Will it help you sleep?”

Zayn nodded.

“Ok,” Harry said,

“Ok,” Zayn said a little breathlessly.

Harry leaned over Zayn to shut off the lamp, switched off the TV and pulled the sheets out from under them, holding them open for Zayn to slip into.  
It should have been weirder than it was when Zayn curled up next to Harry’s side, but it felt like a missing piece slipping into place.

~

Zayn smashed his performance, predictably. He smiled brightly at the applause, took a bow as the set lights dimmed.

He was buzzing with energy as they quickly made their way through JFK, Louis demanding details through the phone Zayn had held up to his ear.

Once seated on the plane, Harry on the aisle again, Harry’s phone vibrated in his hand, a text from Liam appeared, “Attempted break-in at Zayn’s apartment this morning. What do you want to do?”

Harry fought to keep the tremble out of his fingers as he tapped out his responsive, “He’ll stay at my place while you and I outfit his place with proper security.”

“10-4, have a safe flight, see you soon,” Liam texted back.

Harry wouldn’t tell Zayn until they were back in LA, especially now as the engines were starting up and the pained looked was back on Zayn’s face.

This time Harry reached for Zayn’s hand, turned their palms toward one another and held his hand tight.

~

“What do they mean by attempted?” Zayn asked.

For what it was worth Zayn was handling the news about the break-in attempt much better than Harry thought he would.

“Someone broke a window, Li says the cops don’t think the person actually got in, you’re the only one that will be able to tell if anything is missing, but you’re not going back there until Liam and I have I properly outfitted. Trust me once we’re done no one will even be able to put a toe on your lawn without the police knowing.”

Zayn glanced at Harry’s hands and how they were gripping the steering wheel white enough to turn his knuckles white.

He looked at Harry then, “So I’ll be safe at your place you’re saying.”

“Of course,” Harry said.

“Am I going to have to eat like only fresh melon and quinoa?” Zayn asked.

Harry barked out a laugh, “No, we’ll order something before I leave.”

“Can Louis stay with me? We were going to watch the performance together, and I’d feel better, you know, having him there,” Zayn said.

“Yeah of course, anything you need Zayn, you know that,” Harry said.

Zayn didn’t miss the way Harry winced, just slightly, at his own words.

Harry’s apartment was spacious, sunny, it suited him.

Harry showed Zayn the guest bedroom and where all the important things Zayn might need while Harry was gone like the balcony, so he could smoke, cups, plates, so he could eat, the little things.

“You’ll be ok here, until Louis gets here right?” Harry asked.

Zayn smiled, “Harry it’s like breaking into Ft. Knox to get into your house, I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want to leave you,” Harry said, and in the stillness that followed he added, “you know, if you’re not comfortable.”

“It’s fine. Really,” Zayn said with a soft smile.

Harry pointed out the security panel for his house one last time, before letting himself out.

Liam was crawling under the hedge surrounding Zayn’s front yard at the sun was setting, “This probably could have waited until tomorrow.”

“No, it couldn’t,” Harry replied.

“Ok, with that tone I know something happened between you two so spill,” Liam said.

Harry handed Liam the screwdriver he was holding his hand out for, the two were currently planting motion sensors around the perimeter of Zayn’s yard. Once the sun was gone they’d move inside, with the aide of Louis’s extra house key he had dropped off at Liam’s, to wire window sensors.

“Nothing happened,” Harry said.

“That’s Styles-speak for ‘I don’t actually know what happened’,” Liam said as he stood up and brushed off his pants.

“He’s just different than I thought he’d be,” Harry said.

“He told Louis he thinks you’re interesting,” Liam replied, letting himself into Zayn’s house.

Harry followed him, tried not to look around too much, it felt wrong somehow, being here without Zayn. He did notice the pieces of art hung on every wall.

“We just met at a weird time, under weird circumstances. On the flight home I was thinking, what if things were different. I don’t know Liam, I’ve been breaking rules for him,” Harry said.

Liam leveled out the sensor that would go in the front window, flashed the red beam a few times, before starting to install it.

“What rules exactly Harry?” Liam asked.

“We slept together, in the same bed last night, just sleeping. He asked me too and I couldn’t say no,” Harry said.

“Oh Harry,” Liam said, “I don’t want to be the one to say this you know, but be so very careful with that. He might have his feelings all confused, he’s on the verge of this huge thing, he just got dumped, and he could be channeling all of that into you, since you’re the one that’s there.”

“You don’t think I already thought about that? Besides, this isn’t about his feelings, I can handle those, whatever they are, it’s about mine. Mine that I can’t control,” Harry said.

“What are you saying then?” Liam asked.

“I might have to step away from this assignment Liam, if I can’t reign this thing in, it won’t be good for either of us. I’m the one that’s supposed to say no, and I didn’t, I haven’t been,” Harry said.

“Harry I respect that decision, if you think it’s what you have to do, he has a club performance tomorrow though,” Liam said.

“I know, maybe after that,” Harry said.

“Louis thinks you’re good for him, you don’t treat Zayn delicately and he knows Zayn appreciates that,” Liam said.

“You and Louis talk a lot don’t you,” Harry asked.

Liam’s cheeks reddened.

“Ha! Caught you! So what’s going on there then?” Harry asked.

Liam shrugged, “We’ve had a few lunches here and there. He’s smart about business you know, and he’s really funny. He’s a cool guy Harry.”

“I’m sure he is, Zayn loves him a lot,” Harry said.

“So are you going to help me or am I wiring your boyfriend’s house all by myself?” Liam asked.

~

The club was packed, way more packed then Harry would prefer. He knew it was good for Zayn though, Louis had mentioned something about it being sold out, but that many bodies in such a small space made Harry nervous.

Liam was with them tonight, as Louis’s date, or to help out Harry, Harry wasn’t sure, but he was glad to have him.

Harry kept his distance as Zayn got ready, had his pep talk with Louis. Harry hovered just off stage as Zayn performed. His energy lit the crowd from the inside. His voice bounced off the walls, the beat rattled the floor. Zayn was really good at this.

Zayn threw himself onto the couch in the cramped dressing room after having left the stage to thundering applause.

“The promoters want you to stay, just for a bit, mingle with the crowd, that sort of thing,” Louis said, handing Zayn a bottle of water.

Harry bristled, “I don’t think that’s a good idea….”

“It was part of the deal,” Louis interrupted.

Liam put his hand on Harry’s shoulder, “It’s ok, we’re both here, and we’ll just make it quick. Alright Zayn?”

Zayn nodded, he trusted Liam, but he trusted Harry more, and Harry didn’t look too sold on the idea but right now it was two against one.

The dance floor was packed, just like Harry knew it would be, with people in varying states of intoxication. Most were friendly, just happy to rub elbows with the up and coming star a few girls however were a bit overly aggressive with their hands.

Harry stepped in between Zayn and the girls quickly, but not before some mountain of a man took notice. The man exchanged words with one of the girls, pushed her aside abruptly to make his way over to Zayn.

Harry positioned himself in between the man and Zayn, Liam standing beside them.

“Is your friend there trying to hit on my girl?” the man, obviously drunk, screamed at Harry to be heard above the music.

“I wasn’t talking to your girl, your girl came up to me,” Zayn yelled back, from behind Harry.

Harry turned swiftly, shoving Zayn toward Liam, “Don’t escalate this.”

Zayn, taken aback by the look on Harry’s face, shut his mouth.

“Oh so my girl isn’t good enough for you then superstar, is that what you’re trying to say?” the man asked.

Harry kept his position between the two of them.

“You wouldn’t be shit without your body guard, you’re a fucking twig, and his guy?” he said, motioning toward Harry, “A fucking scarecrow for a bodyguard you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Why don’t you go take a seat back with your girl,” Harry said as calmly as he could, since the scuffle was starting to draw attention.

“Why don’t you fucking make me scarecrow,” the guy said in return, placing his hands on Harry’s chest and pushing.

Harry recovered quickly enough to get one of the man’s arms tucked underneath his own, holding the man’s arm straight back behind him, causing the man to bend with the pressure of Harry’s hand near his elbow, “I said, go back to your table,” Harry said before releasing the guy.

Liam grabbed Harry’s shirt and yanked, “Harry, we have to go, now.”

Harry was thankful for Liam maneuvering the four of them out of the club. The bright camera lights hit them instantly once they stepped outside.

Zayn heard them calling his name, he felt small and he felt powerless and those were the two feelings he had been fighting his whole life.

“Back off guys come on,” harry shouted, pushing at their arms, tucking Zayn in close behind him.

Harry was angry, he was shaking, two things he usually never felt, not around a client. He helped Zayn into the car they shared to the club before pulling away from the curb forcing himself to breathe, breathe.

Zayn said nothing as Harry drove him back to Zayn’s house, now that it was secure.

Harry parked the Range Rover in the driveway, cut the engine and sat in the darkness and silence for a long moment.

“I’m sorry…” Zayn started finally.

Harry held up a hand, “No, don’t. Don’t be.”

“Are you alright?” Zayn asked quietly.

“No. I’m not. I’m angry. I never get angry,” Harry said.

“Harry really, I’m sorry,” Zayn said.

“I’m not angry with you Zayn. I’m mad at that asshole, mad at myself, and I never let that happen, not in the moment, not like that, Harry said.

Zayn said nothing, just stared at his hands in his lap.

“You’re more than a job to me, I know that for sure now, and I don’t know what exactly you are to me Zayn, but it’s definitely not just a job,” Harry said.

“It’s ok…” Zayn stared.

“It’s not Zayn. Not in this line of work, this is why I have rules, this is my job Zayn, and you were my job and when one of us steps out of that role, like I did, things like this happen,” Harry said.

“Bullshit. You said it yourself, it was more than that Harry,” Zayn said, “You can’t deny yourself that and expect everything to work out the way you want, the way you force it too. I felt it too, Harry, it wasn’t just you.”

“I can’t do this. It’s bad for both of us, it could get you hurt, it could get me in trouble, because I wasn’t thinking clearly and that’s when mistakes happen, and I wasn’t thinking clearly back there Zayn. All I’ve thought for the past few days is doing everything I can for you, and that scares me,” Harry said.

Zayn wanted to say something to make it right, anything, like Harry had done for him the night in the hotel room, but he didn’t know what to say now, didn’t know what Harry needed to hear.

Zayn opened his door then, stepped out of the Range, but before closing the door he said, “If it’s worth anything, thank you, thank you for all of it.”

Harry drove for hours that night, drove to the water, drove to the hills, drove and drove until he didn’t feel like screaming anymore.

~

“The dude is either too embarrassed about what happened, or was too drunk to remember it. We’d beat the thing anyway, you didn’t injure him, that hold leaves no marks, it was self-defense, maybe a little over board, but still self-defense,” Liam said.

Harry spun his coffee cup between his hands, “I’m dropping this assignment Liam, I’m sorry.”

“Louis figured you would, after talking to Zayn. Maybe it’s for the best. I’m sorry Harry,” Liam said.

Harry stood to leave Liam’s office, stopping when Liam called to him, “You should call him though, I mean maybe circumstances can be different now.”

Harry nodded, “Yeah, maybe.”

~

Three months later, Zayn stood still as the tailor pushed pins here and there in the Dior suit he had on. Louis was typing away at his phone off to the side. No doubt finalizing more appearances for Zayn now that his album was out and charting high for a new comer.

Zayn thought about Harry every day, he wouldn’t admit it, but those weeks with Harry, back at the beginning of all this, left an impression on him.  
He thought about Harry every time he started to get nervous before a performance, every time he thought about blowing off an interview due to nerves. Harry had made Zayn stronger when Zayn needed it.

Ever since the last time he saw Harry Zayn felt like something was missing, something big. Harry’s presence had calmed him, not as security, but as a human, a person who made him laugh, who let him be vulnerable without using it against him. A friend. A friend who Zayn wanted to share his success with.

That’s why Zayn had started in on Louis as soon as Zayn got his invitation to this music award show.

“Only one last loose end to tie up love,” Louis announced, “security for the show.”

“It has to be Harry,” Zayn said resolutely, “There’s only one person I trust Louis, you know that.”

“Liam has other agents…” Louis started.

Zayn interrupted, “I know, I know you trust Liam and his agency and I respect that, I really do, but it has to be Harry, it’s not just about the bodyguard shit…” Zayn sighed, “I don’t know how to explain this….”

“It’s the feeling he gives you, when you’re with him,” Louis supplied.

“Dating Liam has made you soft,” Zayn said with a smile.

“I have ears Malik and with my ears I heard how you melted when you talked about Harry.”

“It has to be Harry,” Zayn said once more.

Louis sighed, “I’ll try my best.

~

Zayn pulled at his tie while he waited for the car. He had let Louis talk him into letting Liam be the security for him tonight and Zayn had agreed, he trusted Liam. If he couldn’t have Harry then having Liam at least put Zayn at ease, since they were friends now.

Zayn checked his phone when it vibrated, he knew it was from Louis, letting him know the car was here.

What he didn’t expect was a knock at his door.

Zayn made sure he had everything he needed before making his way over to the front door. He pulled it open, expecting Liam, or Louis.  
Not expecting Harry.

“Harry,” Zayn said.

“Mr. Malik, are we ready?” Harry asked with a glint to his eye.

He looked wonderful in his tailored suit, his hair longer than it was last time Zayn saw him.

“I heard a rumor you quit,” Zayn said as he locked the door behind him.

“Someone convinced me to come out of retirement,” Harry said, holding the car door open for Zayn, “You look nice,” he added with a wink.

Liam and Louis chattered the whole car ride over, while Harry sat quietly next to Zayn in the back of the limo.

Zayn had so much he wanted to say, he had worked through so much in his time away from Harry, had so many things he wanted to say if he ever got this chance, but he figured there’d be time for that. Later.

The red carpet went smoothly enough, as did the actual award ceremony. Zayn bounced his leg up and down while they read the nominees for best music video by a new artist.

Harry reached over and slipped his hand into Zayn’s, earning a smile from Zayn.

When Zayn won Harry pulled him into a hug, after Louis of course, and gave him a gentle push, guiding him toward the stage.

Zayn looked at home on the stage, in his designer suit, his hair down in loose waves. It reminded Harry that this was all Zayn wanted, to sing, and for someone to tell him he was good.

“There’s a million people who made this possible for me, and I wish I could thank them all. But I have to say thank you to my manager Louis Tomlinson, the person who’s believed in me since grade school, my parents, my sisters and lastly someone new to my life, but someone who helped me make the right choices, you know who you are. Thank you all again!” Zayn said, smiling towards Harry.

Harry didn’t mind the after party for once, with Zayn sitting next time him, looking loose and carefree in a way Harry had never been able to witness before.

“I thought about you a lot,” Zayn said, as they meandered outside, where it was quieter, just a few steps away from the party tent.

“I thought about you too, every day,” Harry said.

“Me too,” Zayn said with a shy smile, “I thought about what I’d say to you, in this moment, if I ever got the chance.”

Harry stopped them, “What would you say?”

Zayn reached for Harry’s hands, “I would say, you were there, every time I needed you, when I was a complete stranger to you. That sort of kindness, it’s hard to find. I need you to know that I trusted you, still trust you. You looked out for me in a time when I couldn’t care less what happened to me. You taught me that it was ok to be selfish and that it was ok to want good things to happen to me. I can’t repay you for that, but I want to teach you something too Harry, something you didn’t give me a chance to back then.”

Zayn stepped closer to Harry then, craned his neck just slightly to lay a soft kiss to Harry’s lips before pressing his forehead against Harry’s.

“Sometimes people get hurt and it’s ok, they’re better for it in the end,” Zayn said, “Let me in Harry, if we hurt each other it’s ok, we’ll fix it. It’ll happen either way, with someone else, with no one else, pain is not avoidable, no matter how many rules and procedures you use to try and banish it.”

Harry let his hands slide underneath Zayn’s suit jacket, used them to pull Zayn flush against him,

“When did you get so pretentious?” Harry asked, enjoying having Zayn so close all he could smell was Gucci, “Do you want to get out of here and go get some burgers?”

Zayn laughed, “Yeah, yeah I do.”


End file.
